Salt Flats

So for Thanksgiving I went to the Bonneville Salt Flats. It was beautiful. Here are some pictures.

Salt as far as the eye can see. This stuff is really hard too. Walking on it doesn't leave a footprint.

Here I stopped on the side of the road to look at the lake. I didn't realize I would pass it by on my way to the flats. The rocks were covered in salt, there was just a filmy white layer of salt all around them. It was pretty. My dad asked if it smelled, but surprisingly it didn't.

Here you can see the encrusted salt a bit better. It fell right off if you banged the rock.

Have a great week!

People

Something I've been thinking about lately is how I tend to value people based on who they know or who they're friends with. I have realized how stupid it is. Just because someone has clicked or not clicked with certain people does not make them any better or worse. Just because 400 people wish them a happy birthday on Facebook doesn't mean they're cool or even nice. They could be terribly unpleasant, and just have lots of charisma. I don't care if you have truckloads of charisma, if you are selfish and mean I don't want to be around you. If you have 4000 friends I still won't want to be around you. Yet it seems some of the most manipulative (in a bad way) people have the most influence and friends, etc., just because they are annoyingly outgoing, have charisma to know how to get people to initially like them, and all the crap that goes along with that. And then there are the few who don't have many friends because they don't have that charisma, but they're smart and they are pure-hearted. They are kind, they care, they just don't need the attention and don't try to bring it to themselves. And yet I still think, oh this person must be cool because they're friends with so-and-so, or they aren't because they aren't friends with so-and-so.
That's pretty dumb.
I can't judge someone because they have a lot of friends or are friends with certain people. I know crappy people who fit into both of those categories. So how do I find out if someone is amazing? I guess I'll just have to get to know them myself. I don't believe any of the crap people tell me anymore.

Vulnerability

I have seen this video several times in the past few years since it came out, but I watched it again today and it was so powerful and applicable to my own life. It was a good reminder to me of what I can do to achieve the level of connection I want with others; be vulnerable. Let go of control. Allow myself to be seen, etc. I pass this along to give anyone else a reminder of these things too. The way we will build a good society, as she says, is realizing we are all imperfect, but deserving of love anyway. So much more can be achieved when we really believe we and those around us are good enough, instead of shaming each other and manipulating each other with fear. Enjoy!

http://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o

Self-Compassion

Lately I've been feeling really stressed. I am getting my masters degree in social work, and I am currently one of the clinical interns at a rape center, which means I am doing therapy with people. The internship I had last year was a pretty bad experience. On the last day I was there I was told that I basically had no skills, that I was too awkward to be a social worker. She literally said the only thing I had going for me was my empathy. I was super crushed and I cried for a week straight. Afterwards I was able to look back and logically wonder where my supervisor was coming from when she said those things, since I had worked well with the individuals I was seeing in therapy, and I had also made goals halfway through the year that even she acknowledged I had been able to meet (which in itself is a skill, thank you very much). My supervisor's response to me on the last day made no sense, especially from her position because if those things were really a concern, it was her responsibility to point them out to me WAY before my last day. I was there to learn, which means constructive feedback, but I received none throughout the year even though I asked for it.

Isn't he the saddest little puppy? This is exactly how I felt.

Anyway, that story isn't my point. I will get to it, but I think this story helps explain my point of view.  That internship was traumatic for me! I really believed I sucked and I questioned my career path. Since she told me I had no skills I thought that I may as well drop out. Even though this wasn't necessarily logical, I had done my best to work at this agency and was supposed to look to my supervisor as someone who would lead and guide me, and someone I could trust. She had authority, I didn't. She knew the field I was going into, I didn't.
The internship I'm at now is absolutely wonderful. I got my top choice, and I couldn't be happier. But I have noticed that whenever I make a mistake I get so worried about it and I put myself down so much because of the memory of the last day at my last internship. I had an experience like this yesterday, and I was unable to sleep until late into the night because I was BAWLING my eyes out, thinking horrible things about myself. I was worried my new supervisor would say the same thing. I was worried that everyone would hate me and that I was stupid, and that no matter how hard I tried I would just end up ruining everything and doing everything wrong.
I went to my internship today, and in our clinical meeting someone mentioned self-compassion. I realized that was something I really needed to implement more in my life. I was judging myself so harshly, and I had valid reason to, which made it even easier to do. Someone I was supposed to look up to made me feel worthless! But my supervisor this year has mentioned to me that I am doing well, and that I'm doing a good job. I have also received feedback from clients that they appreciate me and they feel that I have really helped them.

http://www.georgiebdesign.com/home/category/blog/page/3/

I know you could really talk about a lot of different points here, like not caring about what others think (although that was hard in my position because of the authority and power disparity), I want to focus on self-compassion because I think it can really effect everything else. Being compassionate with myself means understanding that I will make mistakes, and that it's OK. I don't have to cry all night if I make a mistake, because I know that that's normal. Everyone makes mistakes. It also says it's OK if there are people who don't appreciate what I do, because I won't be able to make everyone happy. It helps me self-soothe and just be kinder to myself. It makes me stop telling myself such awful things, and instead I really feel compassionate towards me. This doesn't mean I will slack off, but it means I won't label myself as a failure or an idiot, as being a weird awkward girl who can't do anything right. Not beating myself up allows me to have confidence in myself, which means I'll actually do a better job than if I'm beating myself up.
Anyway, I watched this TedX talk and it really helped me feel a little better. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvtZBUSplr4#t=911
There is also this idea of radical self-acceptance that is similar, and is also really wonderful. Here are some links:

http://www.self-compassion.org/

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evil-deeds/200806/essential-secrets-psychotherapy-change-or-acceptance
http://www.superenlightme.com/radical-acceptance
http://courses.washington.edu/dbt560/Robins-Schmidt-Linehan.pdf


I hope this information is useful. Have a great day, and let's be a little kinder to ourselves. I have been trying to do this today and I have still grieved, but I have felt so much better.

Piña Colada

Today I made myself a huge piña colada. I've been craving one since I left Puerto Rico. I've also been sick and stuck in the house so I felt like I deserved it. Even though it's not good for me. . . .

These are way easy to make. All you have to do is buy a little can of coco Lopez at the store (I think Wal-Mart will carry it wherever you are--maybe other chain stores, I'm not sure about that though), and you mix that in a blender with ice and pineapple juice. The ice is more important than you would think, Make sure you have enough of that. I basically used a whole tray for this glass--and it's not as big of a glass as it seems.  Here is another picture of the pina colada:

You can add rum. . . or not. I didn't. And it was amazing.

This is the stuff you mix in with the ice and pineapple juice and rum (if you want, but you don't need to).

I would definitely recommend making this. You can also put whip cream and a maraschino cherry on top, I just didn't have either of those. But that makes it even better. You will feel like you are on the beach in Puerto Rico (where I first learned to make this, and where this drink was invented)!

Enjoy!

Self-love

Lately I feel like I have been going through a few changes. The way I'm thinking is changing, the way I'm communicating is changing, the way I see others is changing, the way I view myself is changing. My life is changing. My interests are changing and developing. The communication piece was predicted by my astrologer, he said that by May of next year the way I communicate with others will be entirely different. This makes sense since I am learning to do therapy, and through this process learning much more about people, and being less inclined to judge them. I am learning how to talk to them. I am learning to be more gentle with them. People have so much on their plate, and life is hard. I feel like My spirituality has increased and my ability to connect with everything around me. 

This change is pretty awesome for me, but at the same time it's hard. It's so hard. I find that I will criticize and judge myself, and that it's easy to be impatient. I'm learning to really love and accept myself though, and through this process I find that I am really getting to know myself too. I mean I know myself, but I'm learning from a different perspective. Kind of like seeing things in 2d and then seeing them in 3d, I previously saw myself in 2d. I am slowly learning how to see myself in 3d, and it feels so much better. I'm pretty happy with how I'm growing, and I hope I have the energy to continue onward and finish school! Anyway, I found this poem, and I just absolutely loved it. I hope you enjoy it too!

Here is a picture of a sunflower, because they make me happy. And they grow in some pretty harsh conditions and unusual places, it seems. I found this one while I was on my little excursion of the Salt Lake.

As I Began to Love Myself – Self Love Poem by Charlie Chaplin

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering
are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth.
Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody
As I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time
was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this
person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life,
and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow.
Today I call it “MATURITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance,
I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens
at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm.
Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.

As I began to love myself I quit steeling my own time,
and I stopped designing huge projects for the future.
Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do
and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in
my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for
my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew
me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude
a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since
I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry
about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING
is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me
and it can make me sick. But As I connected it to my heart, my
mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this
connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems
with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing
new worlds are born. Today I know THAT IS “LIFE”!

Pictures

So I went to the great salt lake last weekend and took pictures. With my iphone. Here are my favorites:

 Hope whoever looks at this likes them!

These pants are amazing

I don't usually post about clothing. I never have. But I get told by many people that I have good fashion taste. I grew up with clothes being made in my house, not just because my mom knew how to sew, but because my mom went to school in Barcelona to learn how to make literally anything, and was the pattern maker for designers in Puerto Rico. Did I mention she worked with Balenciaga and Oscar de la Renta? Fashion is an art to me because of the influence of my mother, she's amazing. Anyhow, I found this site that has amazing clothes and has this pair of pants that I REALLY want:

http://www.maykool.com/hosiery-high-waist-zippered-gold-leggings-003191.html

I want them. I will have them. They are amazing. I love that they have the pintuck detail, and I love that the color is almost more of a copper, which makes them professional enough to wear to work, but still edgy enough to wear out. Out where, you say? ANYWHERE. The grocery store, the movies, a party, CHRISTMAS PARTIES, etc.

Anyway, check out the site too, seems pretty cool.
I wouldn't post it if it wasn't.

The Four Agreements

Life sucks sometimes. Recently I've been reading the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I really love this book. I think I've learned quite a bit from it. I've probably read about half of it at this point, and it has mostly talked about the effects our culture has on us, and that it forms us into something that many times isn't beneficial to us. The book then instructs how to break out of those toxic habits that have been drilled into us. I LOVE this idea. I really believe that although society can show us what other people have learned to expect from us, those things that are expected can be very harmful to us emotionally and spiritually. Of course there are many positive things about living in a large group in society, such as pressure not to steal or kill. There is also pressure to live up to dumb cultural norms, and specifically in our culture, whatever patriarchy is promoting. For women this could mean thinking that your only worth is physical, for men this could be the denial of any emotion in your life other than anger, etc. etc.

Let's think about that, dudes! There is so much to think about. What do we really believe, and do we want to be the person we're told we are supposed to be? How can we free ourselves from the expectations that are harmful, not only in action but also in our minds?

Like I said, there are many great things about society, and lots of protection it affords us. But there are also many strange messages going around as well. I love the agreements Ruiz asks people to make, because they seem to encourage being honest and respectful towards ourselves and others.

hm

Hi guys

a few thoughts

and I've been on planes all night so they might not be coherent, but here's to trying

A. 

I was busking at the farmer's market on the accordion about a week ago, and this charming old man stops to talk to me about music, how it's changed since the Sinatra days, etc. etc. We start talking about social work and how he grew up in the depression (all while I was thinking about the money I was missing out on for talking to him, but I enjoy older adult; they have so much knowledge and experience) and we begin talking about the family, how they were happier back then and had nothing and even after the depression when the family was still in tact  how much better things were and there were less social problems. He said this had a lot to do with mothers not taking care of the family anymore. A thought occurred to me and I told it to him- perhaps part of the reason for the deterioration for the nuclear family, AKA divorce rates, is because of how poorly women were treated. Women wouldn't be leaving the household in such large numbers if they were given freedom and if being in the family was an equal partnership. I just feel like we don't know how to have equal partnerships. Now women are beginning to stand up for themselves, and in so so so many cases it's because the father wasn't doing anything to help in the family and indeed just bringing the woman down and creating one more child for her to care for. Who cares how much money your husband makes if he isn't supporting you emotionally and with the responsibilities and stress of the children? I'd rather be in a home by myself where at least I can make my own decisions and if I'm doing all the work, raise the kids properly. Women have been treated like breeding animals for so long. Maybe THATS part of the reason the family is breaking apart. Women are starting to stand up for themselves and men don't know what to do about it, how to stand up to the task of SHARING a family. SO the woman leaves. Because emotionally, and many times physically, it's healthier and much less of an abusive controlling environment. And if you don't think that's still a problem in this country, why don't you check out your local women's shelter to see if it's full and if there is a waiting list. Why does that exist? Probably because of everything I just said. Breeding animals is all women were. I mean it hasn't even been 100 years since got the VOTE. We were the last to get that right. 

B.

I had a really interesting week. I did some things I regret. Do you ever do things you regret, and then get sent down a spiral of memories of things you regret, and have all your flaws made super visible? That's how this week has been. I feel like a lot of the time I walk around feeling like I'm a pretty capable person, and perhaps I need to think that way or I would walk around with no self-confidence. But there is so much about me that I want to improve, specifically in the area of understanding people better and treating them ALL more like humans and less like things. Sometimes I put things ahead of humans. Like a couch, and not talking to a roommate anymore because of stains that keep reappearing on it from her cat. Should I have been mad at her? Sure. But avoiding her and breaking the friendship because of it is not treating her like a human. And she is one. I believe that because we are human, we all deserve love. We all need it. Why do I let petty things get in the way of that? Giving people love is perhaps the most important thing we can learn to do well. There's a reason there are so many of us on earth together. I mean sure you can attribute that to different things, but there is definitely a lesson in being around other humans. They help us realize our flaws and who we are. They help us learn. They help us develop humanity. Humanity is the kind of thing that goes before knowledge and brains, beauty and strength. Humanity is was makes people remarkable. And that is what is developed by interacting with other people. We grow hearts and become unselfish.

I'm shy and I like it!

some quotes to start us off:

Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people."

- Andre Dubus (via hrsvt)

"Women feel more guilt than men, not because of some weird chromosomal issue but because they have a history of being blamed for other people’s behavior. You get hit, you must have annoyed someone; you get raped, you must have excited someone; your kid is a junkie, you must have brought him up wrong."

- Guilt Poisons Women by Germaine Greer

Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic."

- Frida Kahlo 

(Source: cherrywayne, via bobbysockss)

"May the bridges I burn light the way."

- Dylan Mckay, 90210

(Source: theonlymagicleftisart, via gentlethrills)

"Socializing is as exhausting as giving blood. People assume we loners are misanthropes just sitting thinking, ‘Oh, people are such a bunch of assholes,’ but it’s really not like that. We just have a smaller tolerance for what it takes to be with others. It means having to perform. I get so tired of communicating."

- Anneli Rufus

(Source: tall, via napoleonshaircut

I don't know what you think all of these quotes have in common, but for me they talk about being shy. Which I am. WHY is that so bad? What if I can't help it? Why is it we can accept all types of things about people but not the fact that they are shy or slightly awkward with new people? I think that's ridiculous. I think we all need to become better at using our intuitive senses to figure people out, and not rely so much on a performance. What does a performance really tell you? It's just something people have gotten good at in order to hide their true selves! Why the crap would I want to see a performance??? I wanna know how someone really is, who they are!! SO BE SHY if you want to. Yeah, that quote says that it's narcissistic, but I have another opinion aside from that one. It has to do with the quote about women and guilt. What if why people are also super idealists who don't want to command all the attention and want things to be equal for other and want whatever situation to be shared instead of directed by a small percentage??? I'm pretty sure that's how a lot of introverts feel. ISN'T THAT A GOOD THING?!?!?!?!? That's how I feel usually. I feel guilty if I command the attention of all, I want their input! I want them to feel like they are a part of things! I want to include them! Why do we only want one person to take over? Because that's how we've trained ourselves in our society? It's ridiculous and inconsiderate. I hate it. So next time you meet someone who's shy, think about why they are shy and try to figure out the real person inside. Chances are they are way smart and super witty, you just don't have the patience to move past the initial meeting to see that, and if you don't you'll miss a whole lot of goodness.

 So too bad for you.

14947

heels

Who The Crap invented heels?
Why did they think it would be cool for a woman to wear extensions on the bottom of their feet that are really uncomfortable? I know that men wore them back in the day, but let's think for a second about stilettos. What are they? Little sticks with a front part attached that fits your toes. That really hurt and make it close to impossible to walk. So, we put these things on our feet that are made for walking, which we can't even use to walk. And somehow the harder they are to walk in, the sexier they are. How is not being able to walk sexy? Why do we make women continue this painful process? We're crazy.

I wish fear of performing was something I could lose like I lose my car keys. Except I would never hunt for my fear like I do my car keys.

Do you ever lose things and then think to yourself how much you wish you hadn't lost said thing?
I logged in to an old work email (that functions somehow, I don't know why they haven't deleted my email yet) because I created many beautiful works of art on Paintshop for my work gmail profile pictures. I was hoping to be able to retrieve some because they were the product of boredom and tedious paperwork; from time to time I was forced to take a time out and escape from the awful hell hole that is redundancy. Somehow this process really helped get my creative juices flowing, it was like my right brain was saying "OMG let me the freak OUT!" Sadly, I was unable to retrieve any of these Paintshop masterpieces. I would have to go back to the original computer I drew them on to get them out. Which I might be willing to do.

This past week I was speaking to a friend about playing music in front of people, which is something I love doing as much as sticking my hand in a bees nest. I love music, I love playing it, but playing in front of people gives me the heebie jeebies. I get so scared! Don't know how to get over it. At this point I think it's just habitual and would be hard to train myself not to have fear, but I really don't know. I have no problem playing with a group, because the focus isn't all on me. I just don't like having the focus on me. It still makes me feel like I'm being judged, which I realize is stupid. But somewhere deep inside there is also another voice saying that it's selfish and wrong to demand attention from others, so I fall apart when I do have it. Maybe I should read up about this on google in order to find a solution.

I'm a woman!!!

Hos can I not update today!

Well. That last sentence was an unfortunate event. I meant to write "How can I not update today!" Instead of talking about hoes. Or asking their permission whether or not I can post on my own blog. That would be pretty bossy of them to not let me do that.

So the reason I MUST update today is because it's Bastille Day! In celebration I listened to Yelle, Kate Ryan, Melody's Echo Chamber, and of course France Gall. I also whipped out my accordion and played a few tunes by Yann Tiersen. How could I not? I almost started that sentence with "ho" again. Yeah, how could I not, hos!! 

That sounds bad and I apologize. Don't be offended. I'm a girl, I mean woman, so I am offending myself as well with that last sentence there.

I like style. This isn't just a girl thing, I have many male friends who love style, and one male friend who dedicates pretty much his whole blog to clothing and style. So don't start judging me unrighteously with this next statement, but I bought the cutest romper ever from this website called DHgate. It's like Ebay of China. I'm pretty darn happy with the romper. Here it is. Press the word "here" to see it. The first "here" that is. Cute, no? It's freaking adorable, I've been wanting a romper with sleeves ever since last year when I went to Brooklyn and saw someone wearing a cute freaking jumper with cap sleeves. And now I have one. 

dealing crap

So, it's almost the fourth of July!

A. Why/How is half the year over?
B. Why is it pretty much the hottest it's ever been this year?
C. Independence day. Not only should it be a time to be thankful for my country, but a time to be thankful for everything I have. I'm glad that I have good health, that I'm able to be in school, etc. etc. (did I just etcetera everything else I have? Yes, I'm an ungrateful slob. But I figured you didn't want to hear it. Oh, but hey! I'm SUPER grateful for Netflix).

Also, about my last post. Do I think that happens when we are poor and sad (what I described below. . . )? Yes I do. Do I think it's healthy? Absolutely not. So I'm not encouraging it or anything. I'm just saying life is hard, lets give each other a break. I also want to say life is hard, so let's try to be healthy. So not doing what I talked about would be ideal obviously. It really is kind of selfish, and it may not only hurt other people but also the person doing it. But again, life is hard. I hope that makes some sense. Lets just try and be kind to each other, eh? Even if you are hurting, try and be kind. Seems to be the best option. Everyone has their crap they deal with. Not crack, crap.

here's a poem by e. e. cummings to celebrate Independence Day.
You can go to the website to hear him recite it himself
http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/237676

AS FREEDOM IS A BREAKFASTFOOD

as freedom is a breakfastfood

or truth can live with right and wrong

or molehills are from mountains made

—long enough and just so long

will being pay the rent of seem

and genius please the talentgang

and water most encourage flame

as hatracks into peachtrees grow

or hopes dance best on bald men’s hair

and every finger is a toe

and any courage is a fear

—long enough and just so long

will the impure think all things pure

and hornets wail by children stung

or as the seeing are the blind

and robins never welcome spring

nor flatfolk prove their world is round

nor dingsters die at break of dong

and common’s rare and millstones float

—long enough and just so long

tomorrow will not be too late

worms are the words but joy’s the voice

down shall go which and up come who

breasts will be breasts thighs will be thighs

deeds cannot dream what dreams can do

—time is a tree(this life one leaf)

but love is the sky and i am for you

just so long and long enough

confessions: rachel gets vulnerable

So, most of my life I think I've spent more time judging people than loving them. I'm pretty sure actually. It's not something I'm proud of, in fact I hate it. Really. It puts barriers between me and others, and it causes me a lot of pain to be honest. It's essentially a family characteristic. I saw my parents and older brother take things personally and judge others all the time. But it's something that is so ingrained in me I don't even realize when I'm doing it (although I try to be aware) and when I'm drained it's a familiar, comfortable place to go to. I think it required little action on my part. Loving takes a lot more energy, because it required that you help someone and build them up instead of putting blame for things on them. Love makes you responsible. The philosopher Emmanuel Levinas wrote about this and everyone's relationship to the Other and we are reminded of how much we owe to the Other because in them we see God (SEE! I can even quote philosophers on this! But I fail at stopping myself from doing it). Anyway, lest you think the point of this post is to feel sorry for me because I judge people (ha!), let me get to the point. Sort of. I've always judged people who dated a lot. As in had many boyfriends/girlfriends. I thought they were frivolous and tacky as far as relationships. I saw myself as being better than them because I did not do the same. I lived in a world of fear, I was scared to do many things and date many people because I was fearful of getting hurt and making a mistake.

My opinion has changed about this idea of surplus dating, but I want to take a moment to focus the people who perhaps date a lot because they need to feel loved or wanted. Maybe they didn't have many friends and found comfort in a romantic relationship, despite whether or not they felt like it would not work out in the end. This seems pretty shallow. I definitely thought this. Perhaps I still do, but I also feel this way in my life right now. I know the pain of feeling alone, and just wanting to be in the arms of someone who cares about you. Perhaps it's reciprocated. It's not because you want to feel good physically, it's because for a moment you feel safe. You feel protected and loved. You feel like you can go on. At least this is how I have felt. I know I can't speak for everyone, but maybe I resemble the thoughts and feelings of many people. It seems to indicate desperation and selfishness, yes, but I would like to know how many of us are perfectly happy in our lives? How many people have never felt the jaws of their experience tearing away at the flesh of their soul? When there are few trustworthy people to turn to, when your family is non-existent or far away, and when the world closes in, sometimes the only thing you can do to get through that moment is to forget about it all and lose yourself. Honestly, this is also why a lot of people do drugs or have eating disorders and etc etc etc. Any addiction really. And we do it because for a moment we just want to let go. Just be free for a moment from the darkness that bites at us. Pretend it's not there. Of course there are healthy ways to go about this, one being the practice of mindfulness, yoga, etc etc. But no one is perfect. What do I even mean by perfect? Maybe that's a topic for another day. My point is, you never know what's going on inside a person. Perhaps they are lonely and hurting inside, most of us might feel that way. Perhaps they can't seem to get love anywhere else, or just haven't figured out how. Whatever the reason, I am going to try to love more than judge, especially in this situation, especially because of what I'm going through now. Instead of ignoring or judging and taking the easy way out I'm going to try to love. Because that's the only thing all of us wants. And needs. And as Levinas says, how can I not love? There's usually a reason people do what they do. And I cannot judge, them especially for feeling the way I have recently felt. Now I understand. Now I too have felt that perhaps I could not go on without the touch of another and feeling like someone cared, and have allowed myself to feel it to keep from going insane. But I guess now that I know I have more responsibility to love others I see with the same pain. Not sure, but it seems like thats what lifes experiences are usually for; helping me to see what others see in order to understand and be of some use in the world. 

I'm sorry if I sound like a terrible person. I hope most of you are much kinder than I am. I'm trying, the progress may be slow but I'm still working at it. Every day.

WATCH MY VIDEO and love me.

Hi! I don't mean to be this crazed attention hog or anything. I mean, really. But here is something I like that I made. ....
SOoooo I made a video for one of my classes to help promote social justice. The video is of a song I wrote about domestic violence, and most of the photos are mine (the ones of nature). There is also information about sexual assault with the video. It's pretty sad. But, you know, it's not something we talk about often, and we really should. Hopefully this helps people realize that sexual assault happen way more often than we think. It's so funny to think of people who are violent. I know a lot of those people grew up in homes with violence, and they can't think of any other way life could be. But there are lots of other bes we could be. I can do anything I want to. Provided it doesn't hurt people around me. But it just doesn't make sense to me that there are people out there who aren't conscious enough to be sensitive to the needs of those around them and whatnot. How? Why? I mean, aren't we all human? Don't we all have blood and bones in our bodies? Yuch. Sometimes I wish I had chosen a career with more money, like something in the medical field. Nursing or being a doctor. But there is no way in crud I could ever look at blood. At least not the blood of another. The thought makes me want to run home to my mother. And anyway, I'm too obsessed with the mind. And I have my own personal journeys that force me to climb up a mountain of trouble, and so my careers purpose is double. It keeps me out of the insane asylum and keeps me working towards being a better person.
Truth.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMfa_zFPIhM

Mirror, mirror, answer my questions.

So life goes on, and you find a new show on Netflix to watch. In my case that show would be Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I know, I'm late. I've never seen any of the episodes before. Not a one. And I'm not into vampires (I hate Twilight), but dang is Buffy good. It's funny, scary, occult, romantic, and etc etc, everything you could expect from a good tv series! And there are SEVEN WHOLE SEASONS! It's blissfully long. But there's a lot of death in it. Annnnnd because I'm an INFP I overanalyze stuff and think about death and darkness and poo. And death is sad, especially when administered by a three headed monster, the king of vampires, or your ex-girlfriend. Why do we say girlfriend and boyfriend? They are stupid terms, and very confusing! Some girls call people who are strictly friends their girlfriends, and other girls call girls they are romantically involved with girlfriends. Boys don't do that as much which makes things less confusing. This world is confusing, people. So much of what we do has nothing to do with right or wrong or most efficient or what have you, it has to do with tradition and an influential person's opinion. I'm so not into that.

So death is sad. Have you ever noticed that western culture (particularly American) blocks any and all feelings (probably due to our puritan founders). Feelings are bad! Everyone should just pretend they're stones! Yeah, great idea! Because hiding feelings that build up a bunch and becoming numb are definitely qualities of a great life. One lived to the fullest! Point is, people feel. We raise children to hide those feelings (espECIALLY boys, and wonder why their life expectancy is 8 years less than a woman's, who is socialized to be more emotionally literate). There are a lot of parenthetical statements in this paragraph. Anyway, all of this makes me really mad. Yes that is a good word even if it's only three letters long. Let's just go back to the basics people! Let's be mad, let's be sad, let's be happy, let's get emotional! And yes we can be emotional and intimate without being sexual! There are appropriate ways to express all of these (talking things out calmly, not being arrogant and pretending you're always right, etc.). Why aren't we open to that? Is it because we all think we can somehow reach perfection, reach flawlessness? Ain't gonna happen. We will be flawed, like that last sentence, all our lives. I'm not saying don't try to be good (I actually think we should all be nice and good and kind), but I'm tired of this expectation to wear a mask. Or are we all expected to be super independent and not ever need someone? What the crap? Humans are made to be social, to need each other, to give and receive love. To receive support, and to give it. Because we aren't perfect. So I don't understand why I can't get past all this socialization to be perfect and independent. I just want to be vulnerable. It's far more rewarding, and even when it goes wrong I'm not left feeling empty inside. I'm left feeling like I can honestly approach my own face in the mirror and love it, be honest with it (except right now I'm kind of feeling bad about facing the mirror because all I've done is watch Buffy all day. Wait! I did study for a couple hours. Yes!). Why does the world not want me to be able to do that?

And why are there people who don't think I should be asking questions?

Philosofee

Hi rrrrrrrrrrrrrreaders. I believe in multiple letters being put in words. It's enriching. My first sentence really emphasizes the importance of reading? And...that...I love the letter R obviously because it starts my first and last name. Hm.
I did something risky yesterday. I went to a documentary about hunger called "A Place at the Table". It was very informative. I've heard a lot about hunger issues in America, and this reinforced what I already knew and added some more beef my stew of knowledge.
But that's not what was so risky.
I downloaded the Tinder app on my iphone.
I guess I'm another one of those shallow people you might know? Or not know? But at least this site/app/program-that-lives-in-outer-space-somewhere shows you people you have friends in common with, and to me that feels a little safer than someone I meet on the intraweb that I don't have a single silky webby strand in common with? That's my reasoning anyhow. And it's fun! A lot more people seem to use it than other sites, probably because it's fast and it's kind of like a game. The game of love! That I hate!!!! It's so funny seeing some people's pictures. Men riding their motorcycle on the beach with the sun setting behind them. Pu-lease!
So THAT was exciting.
I've also been thinking a lot about choice lately. I've just been thinking about the importance of being able to put my whole heart into something. I'm glad that I have been given so many choices in my life. Each choice (well, the bigger ones. Not like, do I want mac-n-cheese for dinner? Not that I ever eat mac and cheese because I do not. Except sometimes! But rarely.) forces me to search within myself and helps me grow my heart. Choices really help us discover who we are I think. Even though they are hard. But we grow when we make them. I suppose even small choices of character. Perhaps especially those. It's been interesting to think of all this and I've excited about it. I really really hate choices. I am super indecisive. Does that mean that I am still figuring out who I am? Or can I know who I am at the core and still be indecisive? Perhaps discovering who we are is a lifelong process. I don't know. Definitely something to think about/ask older and wiser folk about.

Oh, thoughts!

climbing climbing climbing

Today I went hiking and this is what happened:

-I thought about rabid bunnies
-I got hit on by a 90 year old man who kept asking if I had a boyfriend and he came up to my car and when I got done with my hike he was still there and it freaked me out
-I think I saw a wild rabid bunny jumping around but I can't be sure
-I thought about using ~to start off each point but didn't because ~ reminds me too much of the fifth grade or something when it was cute to use. BUT! If you use it don't make me make you feel badly! I'm wrong sometimes. So more power to you. Love yourself!
-I thought about how hard gravity pulls, and how weird that is
-I kinda rolled my ankle
-I felt rejuvenated! Yay!

There weren't a lot of people out (outside I mean, I'm not talking about being out of the closet. Although the Pride parade is this weekend YOU SHOULD GO) but it was super nice; sunny, yet breezy and cool.

I also wrote a poem. Its not finished, and it's not my best, and truth be told I haven't written a poem for at least six months, and I had to edit that one a ton because I'm a terrible writer, but I will show you my poem anyway. If you want to read it! Because I trust you. I do.
It's easier to show the internet poetry anyway. If you think it's trash, you don't have to read the whole thing. You can close the page and move on with your life. Showing real friends poetry or anything else creative is hard because they are expected to respond somehow, and showr the creator with compliments or something. I don't need those! Maybe I do, but I won't admit to it here heavens no. So we don't have to deal with any of that here. You're the best friends ever!
This is a super rough draft remember that, and you probably wouldn't call it poetry anyway.
Also, it's just an excerpt. Definitely only a small part of what I would want it to be.

And I am shocked as the earth pulls me down to her
She gently tugs (but her strength is as a rip tide)
She wants me for herself.
Does not understand that even thought she pulls and allows me to feel the warm dirt and grass supporting my back that I will not stay there.
It is not enough.
And it is not yet time.
It is not my time to pass my wealth of life into something else.
"Feed the ground with me", she says. "Produce life!"
But I am not ready to give up,
to support another.
I am not yet at the point of recycling
Even if it goes against nature
I'm going to live, I will live!

Thanks e'erbody! Have a good night!

Whoooo caaaares

Today I ate some egg. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? That depends if there was disease involved, like salmonella. Then honestly we still wouldn't know, but that must be the case because to this day we still can't eat raw eggs. I've always wanted a pet chicken. I am so jealous of all my cool friends who are super hip and have their own chickens. It's like a statement of intellectualism these days, to have a chicken. I'm getting one.
This reminds me of one of my favorite foods, corn nuggets. If you have never had a corn nugget PLEASE fly/drive/walk/crawl/hitchhike down to a Sonny's BBQ and order some danged corn nuggets. You will not ever in your life regret it. I don't know why I put hitchhike as being last AKA symbolically the lowest form of transportation, because that is farthest from the truth. It takes some guts to do that, man. It also takes some guts to hop freight trains, and I tell you what, I have wanted to hop one since I was about 5 years old. Watching empty, open, train cars passing by on a lazy hazy afternoon with no where to be and nothing to do as a five year old and now as a twenty-eight-year-old makes stopping the car, running across the tracks and jumping in the train hard not to do. I know, there is a $100 fine if I'm caught and I would be charged with a misdemeanor but please please please let me get what I want! All I want is to jump a freight train. WHY is that sooo illegal? Shouldn't be. I know I risk getting a limb chopped off but think of the great stories for my grandchildren? Surely you would not want to deny me the future family bonding time. Considering I ever have a family and etc etc etc. And if I want to chop off a leg so be it! It's my right as an American! Zing!
People! Send me a message if you want to hop a train with me!
I hope we can hop onto the train of hope.
But not with salmonella.

myousik

One of my favorite composers is Yann Tiersen, and this is a beautiful piano song from him:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etLa1xipu0g

Being sad is sad. But it's also really awesome. I would describe myself as having a perspective that's perhaps lower than the average person. Or maybe that's just how we all are, I don't know because I've never been outside of my own experience. My point is this song is sad but it's really beautiful. I love listening to it and just feeling. I had my ACT/mindfulness class today and we discussed our relationship with our thoughts and how getting over depressed feelings is not about trying to control them. Its about being open to them. Being aware of how we feel, and just noticing. Like you would notice a cloud pass through the sky. Instead of trying to shut off and become numb, experience. Of course there's a lot more to it than that, but I believe in the strength that is allowing myself to feel.

hup. hup. hup.

I am fascinated with people who know how to write. I thoroughly enjoy reading a good blog with wonderful verbage. Verbage isn't a word but you know what I mean. But it does make me think of lettuce and salads and I loooove those. So nevermind that. I have decided to start blogging because I have a lot of things bunched up in the wrinkles of my brain and they won't come out. So I'll force them out! I suppose I could journal, but I'm too lazy with the pen :/ and this is faster anyhow and still anonymous because I won't be promoting it anywhere.
I'm pretty excited about this. I'm excited to get my expression out in word form because I haven't in any other form much lately, and I desperately need to.
SO! Dearest internet, heretofore hence forth foward march on getting those wrinkles all straightened out in my brain, I would greatly appreciate it.