I wish fear of performing was something I could lose like I lose my car keys. Except I would never hunt for my fear like I do my car keys.

Do you ever lose things and then think to yourself how much you wish you hadn't lost said thing?
I logged in to an old work email (that functions somehow, I don't know why they haven't deleted my email yet) because I created many beautiful works of art on Paintshop for my work gmail profile pictures. I was hoping to be able to retrieve some because they were the product of boredom and tedious paperwork; from time to time I was forced to take a time out and escape from the awful hell hole that is redundancy. Somehow this process really helped get my creative juices flowing, it was like my right brain was saying "OMG let me the freak OUT!" Sadly, I was unable to retrieve any of these Paintshop masterpieces. I would have to go back to the original computer I drew them on to get them out. Which I might be willing to do.

This past week I was speaking to a friend about playing music in front of people, which is something I love doing as much as sticking my hand in a bees nest. I love music, I love playing it, but playing in front of people gives me the heebie jeebies. I get so scared! Don't know how to get over it. At this point I think it's just habitual and would be hard to train myself not to have fear, but I really don't know. I have no problem playing with a group, because the focus isn't all on me. I just don't like having the focus on me. It still makes me feel like I'm being judged, which I realize is stupid. But somewhere deep inside there is also another voice saying that it's selfish and wrong to demand attention from others, so I fall apart when I do have it. Maybe I should read up about this on google in order to find a solution.