I wish fear of performing was something I could lose like I lose my car keys. Except I would never hunt for my fear like I do my car keys.

Do you ever lose things and then think to yourself how much you wish you hadn't lost said thing?
I logged in to an old work email (that functions somehow, I don't know why they haven't deleted my email yet) because I created many beautiful works of art on Paintshop for my work gmail profile pictures. I was hoping to be able to retrieve some because they were the product of boredom and tedious paperwork; from time to time I was forced to take a time out and escape from the awful hell hole that is redundancy. Somehow this process really helped get my creative juices flowing, it was like my right brain was saying "OMG let me the freak OUT!" Sadly, I was unable to retrieve any of these Paintshop masterpieces. I would have to go back to the original computer I drew them on to get them out. Which I might be willing to do.

This past week I was speaking to a friend about playing music in front of people, which is something I love doing as much as sticking my hand in a bees nest. I love music, I love playing it, but playing in front of people gives me the heebie jeebies. I get so scared! Don't know how to get over it. At this point I think it's just habitual and would be hard to train myself not to have fear, but I really don't know. I have no problem playing with a group, because the focus isn't all on me. I just don't like having the focus on me. It still makes me feel like I'm being judged, which I realize is stupid. But somewhere deep inside there is also another voice saying that it's selfish and wrong to demand attention from others, so I fall apart when I do have it. Maybe I should read up about this on google in order to find a solution.

I'm a woman!!!

Hos can I not update today!

Well. That last sentence was an unfortunate event. I meant to write "How can I not update today!" Instead of talking about hoes. Or asking their permission whether or not I can post on my own blog. That would be pretty bossy of them to not let me do that.

So the reason I MUST update today is because it's Bastille Day! In celebration I listened to Yelle, Kate Ryan, Melody's Echo Chamber, and of course France Gall. I also whipped out my accordion and played a few tunes by Yann Tiersen. How could I not? I almost started that sentence with "ho" again. Yeah, how could I not, hos!! 

That sounds bad and I apologize. Don't be offended. I'm a girl, I mean woman, so I am offending myself as well with that last sentence there.

I like style. This isn't just a girl thing, I have many male friends who love style, and one male friend who dedicates pretty much his whole blog to clothing and style. So don't start judging me unrighteously with this next statement, but I bought the cutest romper ever from this website called DHgate. It's like Ebay of China. I'm pretty darn happy with the romper. Here it is. Press the word "here" to see it. The first "here" that is. Cute, no? It's freaking adorable, I've been wanting a romper with sleeves ever since last year when I went to Brooklyn and saw someone wearing a cute freaking jumper with cap sleeves. And now I have one. 

dealing crap

So, it's almost the fourth of July!

A. Why/How is half the year over?
B. Why is it pretty much the hottest it's ever been this year?
C. Independence day. Not only should it be a time to be thankful for my country, but a time to be thankful for everything I have. I'm glad that I have good health, that I'm able to be in school, etc. etc. (did I just etcetera everything else I have? Yes, I'm an ungrateful slob. But I figured you didn't want to hear it. Oh, but hey! I'm SUPER grateful for Netflix).

Also, about my last post. Do I think that happens when we are poor and sad (what I described below. . . )? Yes I do. Do I think it's healthy? Absolutely not. So I'm not encouraging it or anything. I'm just saying life is hard, lets give each other a break. I also want to say life is hard, so let's try to be healthy. So not doing what I talked about would be ideal obviously. It really is kind of selfish, and it may not only hurt other people but also the person doing it. But again, life is hard. I hope that makes some sense. Lets just try and be kind to each other, eh? Even if you are hurting, try and be kind. Seems to be the best option. Everyone has their crap they deal with. Not crack, crap.

here's a poem by e. e. cummings to celebrate Independence Day.
You can go to the website to hear him recite it himself
http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/237676

AS FREEDOM IS A BREAKFASTFOOD

as freedom is a breakfastfood

or truth can live with right and wrong

or molehills are from mountains made

—long enough and just so long

will being pay the rent of seem

and genius please the talentgang

and water most encourage flame

as hatracks into peachtrees grow

or hopes dance best on bald men’s hair

and every finger is a toe

and any courage is a fear

—long enough and just so long

will the impure think all things pure

and hornets wail by children stung

or as the seeing are the blind

and robins never welcome spring

nor flatfolk prove their world is round

nor dingsters die at break of dong

and common’s rare and millstones float

—long enough and just so long

tomorrow will not be too late

worms are the words but joy’s the voice

down shall go which and up come who

breasts will be breasts thighs will be thighs

deeds cannot dream what dreams can do

—time is a tree(this life one leaf)

but love is the sky and i am for you

just so long and long enough

confessions: rachel gets vulnerable

So, most of my life I think I've spent more time judging people than loving them. I'm pretty sure actually. It's not something I'm proud of, in fact I hate it. Really. It puts barriers between me and others, and it causes me a lot of pain to be honest. It's essentially a family characteristic. I saw my parents and older brother take things personally and judge others all the time. But it's something that is so ingrained in me I don't even realize when I'm doing it (although I try to be aware) and when I'm drained it's a familiar, comfortable place to go to. I think it required little action on my part. Loving takes a lot more energy, because it required that you help someone and build them up instead of putting blame for things on them. Love makes you responsible. The philosopher Emmanuel Levinas wrote about this and everyone's relationship to the Other and we are reminded of how much we owe to the Other because in them we see God (SEE! I can even quote philosophers on this! But I fail at stopping myself from doing it). Anyway, lest you think the point of this post is to feel sorry for me because I judge people (ha!), let me get to the point. Sort of. I've always judged people who dated a lot. As in had many boyfriends/girlfriends. I thought they were frivolous and tacky as far as relationships. I saw myself as being better than them because I did not do the same. I lived in a world of fear, I was scared to do many things and date many people because I was fearful of getting hurt and making a mistake.

My opinion has changed about this idea of surplus dating, but I want to take a moment to focus the people who perhaps date a lot because they need to feel loved or wanted. Maybe they didn't have many friends and found comfort in a romantic relationship, despite whether or not they felt like it would not work out in the end. This seems pretty shallow. I definitely thought this. Perhaps I still do, but I also feel this way in my life right now. I know the pain of feeling alone, and just wanting to be in the arms of someone who cares about you. Perhaps it's reciprocated. It's not because you want to feel good physically, it's because for a moment you feel safe. You feel protected and loved. You feel like you can go on. At least this is how I have felt. I know I can't speak for everyone, but maybe I resemble the thoughts and feelings of many people. It seems to indicate desperation and selfishness, yes, but I would like to know how many of us are perfectly happy in our lives? How many people have never felt the jaws of their experience tearing away at the flesh of their soul? When there are few trustworthy people to turn to, when your family is non-existent or far away, and when the world closes in, sometimes the only thing you can do to get through that moment is to forget about it all and lose yourself. Honestly, this is also why a lot of people do drugs or have eating disorders and etc etc etc. Any addiction really. And we do it because for a moment we just want to let go. Just be free for a moment from the darkness that bites at us. Pretend it's not there. Of course there are healthy ways to go about this, one being the practice of mindfulness, yoga, etc etc. But no one is perfect. What do I even mean by perfect? Maybe that's a topic for another day. My point is, you never know what's going on inside a person. Perhaps they are lonely and hurting inside, most of us might feel that way. Perhaps they can't seem to get love anywhere else, or just haven't figured out how. Whatever the reason, I am going to try to love more than judge, especially in this situation, especially because of what I'm going through now. Instead of ignoring or judging and taking the easy way out I'm going to try to love. Because that's the only thing all of us wants. And needs. And as Levinas says, how can I not love? There's usually a reason people do what they do. And I cannot judge, them especially for feeling the way I have recently felt. Now I understand. Now I too have felt that perhaps I could not go on without the touch of another and feeling like someone cared, and have allowed myself to feel it to keep from going insane. But I guess now that I know I have more responsibility to love others I see with the same pain. Not sure, but it seems like thats what lifes experiences are usually for; helping me to see what others see in order to understand and be of some use in the world. 

I'm sorry if I sound like a terrible person. I hope most of you are much kinder than I am. I'm trying, the progress may be slow but I'm still working at it. Every day.

WATCH MY VIDEO and love me.

Hi! I don't mean to be this crazed attention hog or anything. I mean, really. But here is something I like that I made. ....
SOoooo I made a video for one of my classes to help promote social justice. The video is of a song I wrote about domestic violence, and most of the photos are mine (the ones of nature). There is also information about sexual assault with the video. It's pretty sad. But, you know, it's not something we talk about often, and we really should. Hopefully this helps people realize that sexual assault happen way more often than we think. It's so funny to think of people who are violent. I know a lot of those people grew up in homes with violence, and they can't think of any other way life could be. But there are lots of other bes we could be. I can do anything I want to. Provided it doesn't hurt people around me. But it just doesn't make sense to me that there are people out there who aren't conscious enough to be sensitive to the needs of those around them and whatnot. How? Why? I mean, aren't we all human? Don't we all have blood and bones in our bodies? Yuch. Sometimes I wish I had chosen a career with more money, like something in the medical field. Nursing or being a doctor. But there is no way in crud I could ever look at blood. At least not the blood of another. The thought makes me want to run home to my mother. And anyway, I'm too obsessed with the mind. And I have my own personal journeys that force me to climb up a mountain of trouble, and so my careers purpose is double. It keeps me out of the insane asylum and keeps me working towards being a better person.
Truth.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMfa_zFPIhM

Mirror, mirror, answer my questions.

So life goes on, and you find a new show on Netflix to watch. In my case that show would be Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I know, I'm late. I've never seen any of the episodes before. Not a one. And I'm not into vampires (I hate Twilight), but dang is Buffy good. It's funny, scary, occult, romantic, and etc etc, everything you could expect from a good tv series! And there are SEVEN WHOLE SEASONS! It's blissfully long. But there's a lot of death in it. Annnnnd because I'm an INFP I overanalyze stuff and think about death and darkness and poo. And death is sad, especially when administered by a three headed monster, the king of vampires, or your ex-girlfriend. Why do we say girlfriend and boyfriend? They are stupid terms, and very confusing! Some girls call people who are strictly friends their girlfriends, and other girls call girls they are romantically involved with girlfriends. Boys don't do that as much which makes things less confusing. This world is confusing, people. So much of what we do has nothing to do with right or wrong or most efficient or what have you, it has to do with tradition and an influential person's opinion. I'm so not into that.

So death is sad. Have you ever noticed that western culture (particularly American) blocks any and all feelings (probably due to our puritan founders). Feelings are bad! Everyone should just pretend they're stones! Yeah, great idea! Because hiding feelings that build up a bunch and becoming numb are definitely qualities of a great life. One lived to the fullest! Point is, people feel. We raise children to hide those feelings (espECIALLY boys, and wonder why their life expectancy is 8 years less than a woman's, who is socialized to be more emotionally literate). There are a lot of parenthetical statements in this paragraph. Anyway, all of this makes me really mad. Yes that is a good word even if it's only three letters long. Let's just go back to the basics people! Let's be mad, let's be sad, let's be happy, let's get emotional! And yes we can be emotional and intimate without being sexual! There are appropriate ways to express all of these (talking things out calmly, not being arrogant and pretending you're always right, etc.). Why aren't we open to that? Is it because we all think we can somehow reach perfection, reach flawlessness? Ain't gonna happen. We will be flawed, like that last sentence, all our lives. I'm not saying don't try to be good (I actually think we should all be nice and good and kind), but I'm tired of this expectation to wear a mask. Or are we all expected to be super independent and not ever need someone? What the crap? Humans are made to be social, to need each other, to give and receive love. To receive support, and to give it. Because we aren't perfect. So I don't understand why I can't get past all this socialization to be perfect and independent. I just want to be vulnerable. It's far more rewarding, and even when it goes wrong I'm not left feeling empty inside. I'm left feeling like I can honestly approach my own face in the mirror and love it, be honest with it (except right now I'm kind of feeling bad about facing the mirror because all I've done is watch Buffy all day. Wait! I did study for a couple hours. Yes!). Why does the world not want me to be able to do that?

And why are there people who don't think I should be asking questions?

Philosofee

Hi rrrrrrrrrrrrrreaders. I believe in multiple letters being put in words. It's enriching. My first sentence really emphasizes the importance of reading? And...that...I love the letter R obviously because it starts my first and last name. Hm.
I did something risky yesterday. I went to a documentary about hunger called "A Place at the Table". It was very informative. I've heard a lot about hunger issues in America, and this reinforced what I already knew and added some more beef my stew of knowledge.
But that's not what was so risky.
I downloaded the Tinder app on my iphone.
I guess I'm another one of those shallow people you might know? Or not know? But at least this site/app/program-that-lives-in-outer-space-somewhere shows you people you have friends in common with, and to me that feels a little safer than someone I meet on the intraweb that I don't have a single silky webby strand in common with? That's my reasoning anyhow. And it's fun! A lot more people seem to use it than other sites, probably because it's fast and it's kind of like a game. The game of love! That I hate!!!! It's so funny seeing some people's pictures. Men riding their motorcycle on the beach with the sun setting behind them. Pu-lease!
So THAT was exciting.
I've also been thinking a lot about choice lately. I've just been thinking about the importance of being able to put my whole heart into something. I'm glad that I have been given so many choices in my life. Each choice (well, the bigger ones. Not like, do I want mac-n-cheese for dinner? Not that I ever eat mac and cheese because I do not. Except sometimes! But rarely.) forces me to search within myself and helps me grow my heart. Choices really help us discover who we are I think. Even though they are hard. But we grow when we make them. I suppose even small choices of character. Perhaps especially those. It's been interesting to think of all this and I've excited about it. I really really hate choices. I am super indecisive. Does that mean that I am still figuring out who I am? Or can I know who I am at the core and still be indecisive? Perhaps discovering who we are is a lifelong process. I don't know. Definitely something to think about/ask older and wiser folk about.

Oh, thoughts!