hm

Hi guys

a few thoughts

and I've been on planes all night so they might not be coherent, but here's to trying

A. 

I was busking at the farmer's market on the accordion about a week ago, and this charming old man stops to talk to me about music, how it's changed since the Sinatra days, etc. etc. We start talking about social work and how he grew up in the depression (all while I was thinking about the money I was missing out on for talking to him, but I enjoy older adult; they have so much knowledge and experience) and we begin talking about the family, how they were happier back then and had nothing and even after the depression when the family was still in tact  how much better things were and there were less social problems. He said this had a lot to do with mothers not taking care of the family anymore. A thought occurred to me and I told it to him- perhaps part of the reason for the deterioration for the nuclear family, AKA divorce rates, is because of how poorly women were treated. Women wouldn't be leaving the household in such large numbers if they were given freedom and if being in the family was an equal partnership. I just feel like we don't know how to have equal partnerships. Now women are beginning to stand up for themselves, and in so so so many cases it's because the father wasn't doing anything to help in the family and indeed just bringing the woman down and creating one more child for her to care for. Who cares how much money your husband makes if he isn't supporting you emotionally and with the responsibilities and stress of the children? I'd rather be in a home by myself where at least I can make my own decisions and if I'm doing all the work, raise the kids properly. Women have been treated like breeding animals for so long. Maybe THATS part of the reason the family is breaking apart. Women are starting to stand up for themselves and men don't know what to do about it, how to stand up to the task of SHARING a family. SO the woman leaves. Because emotionally, and many times physically, it's healthier and much less of an abusive controlling environment. And if you don't think that's still a problem in this country, why don't you check out your local women's shelter to see if it's full and if there is a waiting list. Why does that exist? Probably because of everything I just said. Breeding animals is all women were. I mean it hasn't even been 100 years since got the VOTE. We were the last to get that right. 

B.

I had a really interesting week. I did some things I regret. Do you ever do things you regret, and then get sent down a spiral of memories of things you regret, and have all your flaws made super visible? That's how this week has been. I feel like a lot of the time I walk around feeling like I'm a pretty capable person, and perhaps I need to think that way or I would walk around with no self-confidence. But there is so much about me that I want to improve, specifically in the area of understanding people better and treating them ALL more like humans and less like things. Sometimes I put things ahead of humans. Like a couch, and not talking to a roommate anymore because of stains that keep reappearing on it from her cat. Should I have been mad at her? Sure. But avoiding her and breaking the friendship because of it is not treating her like a human. And she is one. I believe that because we are human, we all deserve love. We all need it. Why do I let petty things get in the way of that? Giving people love is perhaps the most important thing we can learn to do well. There's a reason there are so many of us on earth together. I mean sure you can attribute that to different things, but there is definitely a lesson in being around other humans. They help us realize our flaws and who we are. They help us learn. They help us develop humanity. Humanity is the kind of thing that goes before knowledge and brains, beauty and strength. Humanity is was makes people remarkable. And that is what is developed by interacting with other people. We grow hearts and become unselfish.

heels

Who The Crap invented heels?
Why did they think it would be cool for a woman to wear extensions on the bottom of their feet that are really uncomfortable? I know that men wore them back in the day, but let's think for a second about stilettos. What are they? Little sticks with a front part attached that fits your toes. That really hurt and make it close to impossible to walk. So, we put these things on our feet that are made for walking, which we can't even use to walk. And somehow the harder they are to walk in, the sexier they are. How is not being able to walk sexy? Why do we make women continue this painful process? We're crazy.

WATCH MY VIDEO and love me.

Hi! I don't mean to be this crazed attention hog or anything. I mean, really. But here is something I like that I made. ....
SOoooo I made a video for one of my classes to help promote social justice. The video is of a song I wrote about domestic violence, and most of the photos are mine (the ones of nature). There is also information about sexual assault with the video. It's pretty sad. But, you know, it's not something we talk about often, and we really should. Hopefully this helps people realize that sexual assault happen way more often than we think. It's so funny to think of people who are violent. I know a lot of those people grew up in homes with violence, and they can't think of any other way life could be. But there are lots of other bes we could be. I can do anything I want to. Provided it doesn't hurt people around me. But it just doesn't make sense to me that there are people out there who aren't conscious enough to be sensitive to the needs of those around them and whatnot. How? Why? I mean, aren't we all human? Don't we all have blood and bones in our bodies? Yuch. Sometimes I wish I had chosen a career with more money, like something in the medical field. Nursing or being a doctor. But there is no way in crud I could ever look at blood. At least not the blood of another. The thought makes me want to run home to my mother. And anyway, I'm too obsessed with the mind. And I have my own personal journeys that force me to climb up a mountain of trouble, and so my careers purpose is double. It keeps me out of the insane asylum and keeps me working towards being a better person.
Truth.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMfa_zFPIhM

Mirror, mirror, answer my questions.

So life goes on, and you find a new show on Netflix to watch. In my case that show would be Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I know, I'm late. I've never seen any of the episodes before. Not a one. And I'm not into vampires (I hate Twilight), but dang is Buffy good. It's funny, scary, occult, romantic, and etc etc, everything you could expect from a good tv series! And there are SEVEN WHOLE SEASONS! It's blissfully long. But there's a lot of death in it. Annnnnd because I'm an INFP I overanalyze stuff and think about death and darkness and poo. And death is sad, especially when administered by a three headed monster, the king of vampires, or your ex-girlfriend. Why do we say girlfriend and boyfriend? They are stupid terms, and very confusing! Some girls call people who are strictly friends their girlfriends, and other girls call girls they are romantically involved with girlfriends. Boys don't do that as much which makes things less confusing. This world is confusing, people. So much of what we do has nothing to do with right or wrong or most efficient or what have you, it has to do with tradition and an influential person's opinion. I'm so not into that.

So death is sad. Have you ever noticed that western culture (particularly American) blocks any and all feelings (probably due to our puritan founders). Feelings are bad! Everyone should just pretend they're stones! Yeah, great idea! Because hiding feelings that build up a bunch and becoming numb are definitely qualities of a great life. One lived to the fullest! Point is, people feel. We raise children to hide those feelings (espECIALLY boys, and wonder why their life expectancy is 8 years less than a woman's, who is socialized to be more emotionally literate). There are a lot of parenthetical statements in this paragraph. Anyway, all of this makes me really mad. Yes that is a good word even if it's only three letters long. Let's just go back to the basics people! Let's be mad, let's be sad, let's be happy, let's get emotional! And yes we can be emotional and intimate without being sexual! There are appropriate ways to express all of these (talking things out calmly, not being arrogant and pretending you're always right, etc.). Why aren't we open to that? Is it because we all think we can somehow reach perfection, reach flawlessness? Ain't gonna happen. We will be flawed, like that last sentence, all our lives. I'm not saying don't try to be good (I actually think we should all be nice and good and kind), but I'm tired of this expectation to wear a mask. Or are we all expected to be super independent and not ever need someone? What the crap? Humans are made to be social, to need each other, to give and receive love. To receive support, and to give it. Because we aren't perfect. So I don't understand why I can't get past all this socialization to be perfect and independent. I just want to be vulnerable. It's far more rewarding, and even when it goes wrong I'm not left feeling empty inside. I'm left feeling like I can honestly approach my own face in the mirror and love it, be honest with it (except right now I'm kind of feeling bad about facing the mirror because all I've done is watch Buffy all day. Wait! I did study for a couple hours. Yes!). Why does the world not want me to be able to do that?

And why are there people who don't think I should be asking questions?