WATCH MY VIDEO and love me.

Hi! I don't mean to be this crazed attention hog or anything. I mean, really. But here is something I like that I made. ....
SOoooo I made a video for one of my classes to help promote social justice. The video is of a song I wrote about domestic violence, and most of the photos are mine (the ones of nature). There is also information about sexual assault with the video. It's pretty sad. But, you know, it's not something we talk about often, and we really should. Hopefully this helps people realize that sexual assault happen way more often than we think. It's so funny to think of people who are violent. I know a lot of those people grew up in homes with violence, and they can't think of any other way life could be. But there are lots of other bes we could be. I can do anything I want to. Provided it doesn't hurt people around me. But it just doesn't make sense to me that there are people out there who aren't conscious enough to be sensitive to the needs of those around them and whatnot. How? Why? I mean, aren't we all human? Don't we all have blood and bones in our bodies? Yuch. Sometimes I wish I had chosen a career with more money, like something in the medical field. Nursing or being a doctor. But there is no way in crud I could ever look at blood. At least not the blood of another. The thought makes me want to run home to my mother. And anyway, I'm too obsessed with the mind. And I have my own personal journeys that force me to climb up a mountain of trouble, and so my careers purpose is double. It keeps me out of the insane asylum and keeps me working towards being a better person.
Truth.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMfa_zFPIhM

Mirror, mirror, answer my questions.

So life goes on, and you find a new show on Netflix to watch. In my case that show would be Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I know, I'm late. I've never seen any of the episodes before. Not a one. And I'm not into vampires (I hate Twilight), but dang is Buffy good. It's funny, scary, occult, romantic, and etc etc, everything you could expect from a good tv series! And there are SEVEN WHOLE SEASONS! It's blissfully long. But there's a lot of death in it. Annnnnd because I'm an INFP I overanalyze stuff and think about death and darkness and poo. And death is sad, especially when administered by a three headed monster, the king of vampires, or your ex-girlfriend. Why do we say girlfriend and boyfriend? They are stupid terms, and very confusing! Some girls call people who are strictly friends their girlfriends, and other girls call girls they are romantically involved with girlfriends. Boys don't do that as much which makes things less confusing. This world is confusing, people. So much of what we do has nothing to do with right or wrong or most efficient or what have you, it has to do with tradition and an influential person's opinion. I'm so not into that.

So death is sad. Have you ever noticed that western culture (particularly American) blocks any and all feelings (probably due to our puritan founders). Feelings are bad! Everyone should just pretend they're stones! Yeah, great idea! Because hiding feelings that build up a bunch and becoming numb are definitely qualities of a great life. One lived to the fullest! Point is, people feel. We raise children to hide those feelings (espECIALLY boys, and wonder why their life expectancy is 8 years less than a woman's, who is socialized to be more emotionally literate). There are a lot of parenthetical statements in this paragraph. Anyway, all of this makes me really mad. Yes that is a good word even if it's only three letters long. Let's just go back to the basics people! Let's be mad, let's be sad, let's be happy, let's get emotional! And yes we can be emotional and intimate without being sexual! There are appropriate ways to express all of these (talking things out calmly, not being arrogant and pretending you're always right, etc.). Why aren't we open to that? Is it because we all think we can somehow reach perfection, reach flawlessness? Ain't gonna happen. We will be flawed, like that last sentence, all our lives. I'm not saying don't try to be good (I actually think we should all be nice and good and kind), but I'm tired of this expectation to wear a mask. Or are we all expected to be super independent and not ever need someone? What the crap? Humans are made to be social, to need each other, to give and receive love. To receive support, and to give it. Because we aren't perfect. So I don't understand why I can't get past all this socialization to be perfect and independent. I just want to be vulnerable. It's far more rewarding, and even when it goes wrong I'm not left feeling empty inside. I'm left feeling like I can honestly approach my own face in the mirror and love it, be honest with it (except right now I'm kind of feeling bad about facing the mirror because all I've done is watch Buffy all day. Wait! I did study for a couple hours. Yes!). Why does the world not want me to be able to do that?

And why are there people who don't think I should be asking questions?

Philosofee

Hi rrrrrrrrrrrrrreaders. I believe in multiple letters being put in words. It's enriching. My first sentence really emphasizes the importance of reading? And...that...I love the letter R obviously because it starts my first and last name. Hm.
I did something risky yesterday. I went to a documentary about hunger called "A Place at the Table". It was very informative. I've heard a lot about hunger issues in America, and this reinforced what I already knew and added some more beef my stew of knowledge.
But that's not what was so risky.
I downloaded the Tinder app on my iphone.
I guess I'm another one of those shallow people you might know? Or not know? But at least this site/app/program-that-lives-in-outer-space-somewhere shows you people you have friends in common with, and to me that feels a little safer than someone I meet on the intraweb that I don't have a single silky webby strand in common with? That's my reasoning anyhow. And it's fun! A lot more people seem to use it than other sites, probably because it's fast and it's kind of like a game. The game of love! That I hate!!!! It's so funny seeing some people's pictures. Men riding their motorcycle on the beach with the sun setting behind them. Pu-lease!
So THAT was exciting.
I've also been thinking a lot about choice lately. I've just been thinking about the importance of being able to put my whole heart into something. I'm glad that I have been given so many choices in my life. Each choice (well, the bigger ones. Not like, do I want mac-n-cheese for dinner? Not that I ever eat mac and cheese because I do not. Except sometimes! But rarely.) forces me to search within myself and helps me grow my heart. Choices really help us discover who we are I think. Even though they are hard. But we grow when we make them. I suppose even small choices of character. Perhaps especially those. It's been interesting to think of all this and I've excited about it. I really really hate choices. I am super indecisive. Does that mean that I am still figuring out who I am? Or can I know who I am at the core and still be indecisive? Perhaps discovering who we are is a lifelong process. I don't know. Definitely something to think about/ask older and wiser folk about.

Oh, thoughts!

climbing climbing climbing

Today I went hiking and this is what happened:

-I thought about rabid bunnies
-I got hit on by a 90 year old man who kept asking if I had a boyfriend and he came up to my car and when I got done with my hike he was still there and it freaked me out
-I think I saw a wild rabid bunny jumping around but I can't be sure
-I thought about using ~to start off each point but didn't because ~ reminds me too much of the fifth grade or something when it was cute to use. BUT! If you use it don't make me make you feel badly! I'm wrong sometimes. So more power to you. Love yourself!
-I thought about how hard gravity pulls, and how weird that is
-I kinda rolled my ankle
-I felt rejuvenated! Yay!

There weren't a lot of people out (outside I mean, I'm not talking about being out of the closet. Although the Pride parade is this weekend YOU SHOULD GO) but it was super nice; sunny, yet breezy and cool.

I also wrote a poem. Its not finished, and it's not my best, and truth be told I haven't written a poem for at least six months, and I had to edit that one a ton because I'm a terrible writer, but I will show you my poem anyway. If you want to read it! Because I trust you. I do.
It's easier to show the internet poetry anyway. If you think it's trash, you don't have to read the whole thing. You can close the page and move on with your life. Showing real friends poetry or anything else creative is hard because they are expected to respond somehow, and showr the creator with compliments or something. I don't need those! Maybe I do, but I won't admit to it here heavens no. So we don't have to deal with any of that here. You're the best friends ever!
This is a super rough draft remember that, and you probably wouldn't call it poetry anyway.
Also, it's just an excerpt. Definitely only a small part of what I would want it to be.

And I am shocked as the earth pulls me down to her
She gently tugs (but her strength is as a rip tide)
She wants me for herself.
Does not understand that even thought she pulls and allows me to feel the warm dirt and grass supporting my back that I will not stay there.
It is not enough.
And it is not yet time.
It is not my time to pass my wealth of life into something else.
"Feed the ground with me", she says. "Produce life!"
But I am not ready to give up,
to support another.
I am not yet at the point of recycling
Even if it goes against nature
I'm going to live, I will live!

Thanks e'erbody! Have a good night!

Whoooo caaaares

Today I ate some egg. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? That depends if there was disease involved, like salmonella. Then honestly we still wouldn't know, but that must be the case because to this day we still can't eat raw eggs. I've always wanted a pet chicken. I am so jealous of all my cool friends who are super hip and have their own chickens. It's like a statement of intellectualism these days, to have a chicken. I'm getting one.
This reminds me of one of my favorite foods, corn nuggets. If you have never had a corn nugget PLEASE fly/drive/walk/crawl/hitchhike down to a Sonny's BBQ and order some danged corn nuggets. You will not ever in your life regret it. I don't know why I put hitchhike as being last AKA symbolically the lowest form of transportation, because that is farthest from the truth. It takes some guts to do that, man. It also takes some guts to hop freight trains, and I tell you what, I have wanted to hop one since I was about 5 years old. Watching empty, open, train cars passing by on a lazy hazy afternoon with no where to be and nothing to do as a five year old and now as a twenty-eight-year-old makes stopping the car, running across the tracks and jumping in the train hard not to do. I know, there is a $100 fine if I'm caught and I would be charged with a misdemeanor but please please please let me get what I want! All I want is to jump a freight train. WHY is that sooo illegal? Shouldn't be. I know I risk getting a limb chopped off but think of the great stories for my grandchildren? Surely you would not want to deny me the future family bonding time. Considering I ever have a family and etc etc etc. And if I want to chop off a leg so be it! It's my right as an American! Zing!
People! Send me a message if you want to hop a train with me!
I hope we can hop onto the train of hope.
But not with salmonella.

myousik

One of my favorite composers is Yann Tiersen, and this is a beautiful piano song from him:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etLa1xipu0g

Being sad is sad. But it's also really awesome. I would describe myself as having a perspective that's perhaps lower than the average person. Or maybe that's just how we all are, I don't know because I've never been outside of my own experience. My point is this song is sad but it's really beautiful. I love listening to it and just feeling. I had my ACT/mindfulness class today and we discussed our relationship with our thoughts and how getting over depressed feelings is not about trying to control them. Its about being open to them. Being aware of how we feel, and just noticing. Like you would notice a cloud pass through the sky. Instead of trying to shut off and become numb, experience. Of course there's a lot more to it than that, but I believe in the strength that is allowing myself to feel.

hup. hup. hup.

I am fascinated with people who know how to write. I thoroughly enjoy reading a good blog with wonderful verbage. Verbage isn't a word but you know what I mean. But it does make me think of lettuce and salads and I loooove those. So nevermind that. I have decided to start blogging because I have a lot of things bunched up in the wrinkles of my brain and they won't come out. So I'll force them out! I suppose I could journal, but I'm too lazy with the pen :/ and this is faster anyhow and still anonymous because I won't be promoting it anywhere.
I'm pretty excited about this. I'm excited to get my expression out in word form because I haven't in any other form much lately, and I desperately need to.
SO! Dearest internet, heretofore hence forth foward march on getting those wrinkles all straightened out in my brain, I would greatly appreciate it.