Vulnerability

I have seen this video several times in the past few years since it came out, but I watched it again today and it was so powerful and applicable to my own life. It was a good reminder to me of what I can do to achieve the level of connection I want with others; be vulnerable. Let go of control. Allow myself to be seen, etc. I pass this along to give anyone else a reminder of these things too. The way we will build a good society, as she says, is realizing we are all imperfect, but deserving of love anyway. So much more can be achieved when we really believe we and those around us are good enough, instead of shaming each other and manipulating each other with fear. Enjoy!

http://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o

Self-Compassion

Lately I've been feeling really stressed. I am getting my masters degree in social work, and I am currently one of the clinical interns at a rape center, which means I am doing therapy with people. The internship I had last year was a pretty bad experience. On the last day I was there I was told that I basically had no skills, that I was too awkward to be a social worker. She literally said the only thing I had going for me was my empathy. I was super crushed and I cried for a week straight. Afterwards I was able to look back and logically wonder where my supervisor was coming from when she said those things, since I had worked well with the individuals I was seeing in therapy, and I had also made goals halfway through the year that even she acknowledged I had been able to meet (which in itself is a skill, thank you very much). My supervisor's response to me on the last day made no sense, especially from her position because if those things were really a concern, it was her responsibility to point them out to me WAY before my last day. I was there to learn, which means constructive feedback, but I received none throughout the year even though I asked for it.

Isn't he the saddest little puppy? This is exactly how I felt.

Anyway, that story isn't my point. I will get to it, but I think this story helps explain my point of view.  That internship was traumatic for me! I really believed I sucked and I questioned my career path. Since she told me I had no skills I thought that I may as well drop out. Even though this wasn't necessarily logical, I had done my best to work at this agency and was supposed to look to my supervisor as someone who would lead and guide me, and someone I could trust. She had authority, I didn't. She knew the field I was going into, I didn't.
The internship I'm at now is absolutely wonderful. I got my top choice, and I couldn't be happier. But I have noticed that whenever I make a mistake I get so worried about it and I put myself down so much because of the memory of the last day at my last internship. I had an experience like this yesterday, and I was unable to sleep until late into the night because I was BAWLING my eyes out, thinking horrible things about myself. I was worried my new supervisor would say the same thing. I was worried that everyone would hate me and that I was stupid, and that no matter how hard I tried I would just end up ruining everything and doing everything wrong.
I went to my internship today, and in our clinical meeting someone mentioned self-compassion. I realized that was something I really needed to implement more in my life. I was judging myself so harshly, and I had valid reason to, which made it even easier to do. Someone I was supposed to look up to made me feel worthless! But my supervisor this year has mentioned to me that I am doing well, and that I'm doing a good job. I have also received feedback from clients that they appreciate me and they feel that I have really helped them.

http://www.georgiebdesign.com/home/category/blog/page/3/

I know you could really talk about a lot of different points here, like not caring about what others think (although that was hard in my position because of the authority and power disparity), I want to focus on self-compassion because I think it can really effect everything else. Being compassionate with myself means understanding that I will make mistakes, and that it's OK. I don't have to cry all night if I make a mistake, because I know that that's normal. Everyone makes mistakes. It also says it's OK if there are people who don't appreciate what I do, because I won't be able to make everyone happy. It helps me self-soothe and just be kinder to myself. It makes me stop telling myself such awful things, and instead I really feel compassionate towards me. This doesn't mean I will slack off, but it means I won't label myself as a failure or an idiot, as being a weird awkward girl who can't do anything right. Not beating myself up allows me to have confidence in myself, which means I'll actually do a better job than if I'm beating myself up.
Anyway, I watched this TedX talk and it really helped me feel a little better. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvtZBUSplr4#t=911
There is also this idea of radical self-acceptance that is similar, and is also really wonderful. Here are some links:

http://www.self-compassion.org/

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evil-deeds/200806/essential-secrets-psychotherapy-change-or-acceptance
http://www.superenlightme.com/radical-acceptance
http://courses.washington.edu/dbt560/Robins-Schmidt-Linehan.pdf


I hope this information is useful. Have a great day, and let's be a little kinder to ourselves. I have been trying to do this today and I have still grieved, but I have felt so much better.

Piña Colada

Today I made myself a huge piña colada. I've been craving one since I left Puerto Rico. I've also been sick and stuck in the house so I felt like I deserved it. Even though it's not good for me. . . .

These are way easy to make. All you have to do is buy a little can of coco Lopez at the store (I think Wal-Mart will carry it wherever you are--maybe other chain stores, I'm not sure about that though), and you mix that in a blender with ice and pineapple juice. The ice is more important than you would think, Make sure you have enough of that. I basically used a whole tray for this glass--and it's not as big of a glass as it seems.  Here is another picture of the pina colada:

You can add rum. . . or not. I didn't. And it was amazing.

This is the stuff you mix in with the ice and pineapple juice and rum (if you want, but you don't need to).

I would definitely recommend making this. You can also put whip cream and a maraschino cherry on top, I just didn't have either of those. But that makes it even better. You will feel like you are on the beach in Puerto Rico (where I first learned to make this, and where this drink was invented)!

Enjoy!

Self-love

Lately I feel like I have been going through a few changes. The way I'm thinking is changing, the way I'm communicating is changing, the way I see others is changing, the way I view myself is changing. My life is changing. My interests are changing and developing. The communication piece was predicted by my astrologer, he said that by May of next year the way I communicate with others will be entirely different. This makes sense since I am learning to do therapy, and through this process learning much more about people, and being less inclined to judge them. I am learning how to talk to them. I am learning to be more gentle with them. People have so much on their plate, and life is hard. I feel like My spirituality has increased and my ability to connect with everything around me. 

This change is pretty awesome for me, but at the same time it's hard. It's so hard. I find that I will criticize and judge myself, and that it's easy to be impatient. I'm learning to really love and accept myself though, and through this process I find that I am really getting to know myself too. I mean I know myself, but I'm learning from a different perspective. Kind of like seeing things in 2d and then seeing them in 3d, I previously saw myself in 2d. I am slowly learning how to see myself in 3d, and it feels so much better. I'm pretty happy with how I'm growing, and I hope I have the energy to continue onward and finish school! Anyway, I found this poem, and I just absolutely loved it. I hope you enjoy it too!

Here is a picture of a sunflower, because they make me happy. And they grow in some pretty harsh conditions and unusual places, it seems. I found this one while I was on my little excursion of the Salt Lake.

As I Began to Love Myself – Self Love Poem by Charlie Chaplin

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering
are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth.
Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody
As I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time
was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this
person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life,
and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow.
Today I call it “MATURITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance,
I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens
at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm.
Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.

As I began to love myself I quit steeling my own time,
and I stopped designing huge projects for the future.
Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do
and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in
my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for
my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew
me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude
a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since
I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry
about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING
is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me
and it can make me sick. But As I connected it to my heart, my
mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this
connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems
with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing
new worlds are born. Today I know THAT IS “LIFE”!

Pictures

So I went to the great salt lake last weekend and took pictures. With my iphone. Here are my favorites:

 Hope whoever looks at this likes them!

These pants are amazing

I don't usually post about clothing. I never have. But I get told by many people that I have good fashion taste. I grew up with clothes being made in my house, not just because my mom knew how to sew, but because my mom went to school in Barcelona to learn how to make literally anything, and was the pattern maker for designers in Puerto Rico. Did I mention she worked with Balenciaga and Oscar de la Renta? Fashion is an art to me because of the influence of my mother, she's amazing. Anyhow, I found this site that has amazing clothes and has this pair of pants that I REALLY want:

http://www.maykool.com/hosiery-high-waist-zippered-gold-leggings-003191.html

I want them. I will have them. They are amazing. I love that they have the pintuck detail, and I love that the color is almost more of a copper, which makes them professional enough to wear to work, but still edgy enough to wear out. Out where, you say? ANYWHERE. The grocery store, the movies, a party, CHRISTMAS PARTIES, etc.

Anyway, check out the site too, seems pretty cool.
I wouldn't post it if it wasn't.

The Four Agreements

Life sucks sometimes. Recently I've been reading the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I really love this book. I think I've learned quite a bit from it. I've probably read about half of it at this point, and it has mostly talked about the effects our culture has on us, and that it forms us into something that many times isn't beneficial to us. The book then instructs how to break out of those toxic habits that have been drilled into us. I LOVE this idea. I really believe that although society can show us what other people have learned to expect from us, those things that are expected can be very harmful to us emotionally and spiritually. Of course there are many positive things about living in a large group in society, such as pressure not to steal or kill. There is also pressure to live up to dumb cultural norms, and specifically in our culture, whatever patriarchy is promoting. For women this could mean thinking that your only worth is physical, for men this could be the denial of any emotion in your life other than anger, etc. etc.

Let's think about that, dudes! There is so much to think about. What do we really believe, and do we want to be the person we're told we are supposed to be? How can we free ourselves from the expectations that are harmful, not only in action but also in our minds?

Like I said, there are many great things about society, and lots of protection it affords us. But there are also many strange messages going around as well. I love the agreements Ruiz asks people to make, because they seem to encourage being honest and respectful towards ourselves and others.