Philosofee

Hi rrrrrrrrrrrrrreaders. I believe in multiple letters being put in words. It's enriching. My first sentence really emphasizes the importance of reading? And...that...I love the letter R obviously because it starts my first and last name. Hm.
I did something risky yesterday. I went to a documentary about hunger called "A Place at the Table". It was very informative. I've heard a lot about hunger issues in America, and this reinforced what I already knew and added some more beef my stew of knowledge.
But that's not what was so risky.
I downloaded the Tinder app on my iphone.
I guess I'm another one of those shallow people you might know? Or not know? But at least this site/app/program-that-lives-in-outer-space-somewhere shows you people you have friends in common with, and to me that feels a little safer than someone I meet on the intraweb that I don't have a single silky webby strand in common with? That's my reasoning anyhow. And it's fun! A lot more people seem to use it than other sites, probably because it's fast and it's kind of like a game. The game of love! That I hate!!!! It's so funny seeing some people's pictures. Men riding their motorcycle on the beach with the sun setting behind them. Pu-lease!
So THAT was exciting.
I've also been thinking a lot about choice lately. I've just been thinking about the importance of being able to put my whole heart into something. I'm glad that I have been given so many choices in my life. Each choice (well, the bigger ones. Not like, do I want mac-n-cheese for dinner? Not that I ever eat mac and cheese because I do not. Except sometimes! But rarely.) forces me to search within myself and helps me grow my heart. Choices really help us discover who we are I think. Even though they are hard. But we grow when we make them. I suppose even small choices of character. Perhaps especially those. It's been interesting to think of all this and I've excited about it. I really really hate choices. I am super indecisive. Does that mean that I am still figuring out who I am? Or can I know who I am at the core and still be indecisive? Perhaps discovering who we are is a lifelong process. I don't know. Definitely something to think about/ask older and wiser folk about.

Oh, thoughts!

climbing climbing climbing

Today I went hiking and this is what happened:

-I thought about rabid bunnies
-I got hit on by a 90 year old man who kept asking if I had a boyfriend and he came up to my car and when I got done with my hike he was still there and it freaked me out
-I think I saw a wild rabid bunny jumping around but I can't be sure
-I thought about using ~to start off each point but didn't because ~ reminds me too much of the fifth grade or something when it was cute to use. BUT! If you use it don't make me make you feel badly! I'm wrong sometimes. So more power to you. Love yourself!
-I thought about how hard gravity pulls, and how weird that is
-I kinda rolled my ankle
-I felt rejuvenated! Yay!

There weren't a lot of people out (outside I mean, I'm not talking about being out of the closet. Although the Pride parade is this weekend YOU SHOULD GO) but it was super nice; sunny, yet breezy and cool.

I also wrote a poem. Its not finished, and it's not my best, and truth be told I haven't written a poem for at least six months, and I had to edit that one a ton because I'm a terrible writer, but I will show you my poem anyway. If you want to read it! Because I trust you. I do.
It's easier to show the internet poetry anyway. If you think it's trash, you don't have to read the whole thing. You can close the page and move on with your life. Showing real friends poetry or anything else creative is hard because they are expected to respond somehow, and showr the creator with compliments or something. I don't need those! Maybe I do, but I won't admit to it here heavens no. So we don't have to deal with any of that here. You're the best friends ever!
This is a super rough draft remember that, and you probably wouldn't call it poetry anyway.
Also, it's just an excerpt. Definitely only a small part of what I would want it to be.

And I am shocked as the earth pulls me down to her
She gently tugs (but her strength is as a rip tide)
She wants me for herself.
Does not understand that even thought she pulls and allows me to feel the warm dirt and grass supporting my back that I will not stay there.
It is not enough.
And it is not yet time.
It is not my time to pass my wealth of life into something else.
"Feed the ground with me", she says. "Produce life!"
But I am not ready to give up,
to support another.
I am not yet at the point of recycling
Even if it goes against nature
I'm going to live, I will live!

Thanks e'erbody! Have a good night!

Whoooo caaaares

Today I ate some egg. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? That depends if there was disease involved, like salmonella. Then honestly we still wouldn't know, but that must be the case because to this day we still can't eat raw eggs. I've always wanted a pet chicken. I am so jealous of all my cool friends who are super hip and have their own chickens. It's like a statement of intellectualism these days, to have a chicken. I'm getting one.
This reminds me of one of my favorite foods, corn nuggets. If you have never had a corn nugget PLEASE fly/drive/walk/crawl/hitchhike down to a Sonny's BBQ and order some danged corn nuggets. You will not ever in your life regret it. I don't know why I put hitchhike as being last AKA symbolically the lowest form of transportation, because that is farthest from the truth. It takes some guts to do that, man. It also takes some guts to hop freight trains, and I tell you what, I have wanted to hop one since I was about 5 years old. Watching empty, open, train cars passing by on a lazy hazy afternoon with no where to be and nothing to do as a five year old and now as a twenty-eight-year-old makes stopping the car, running across the tracks and jumping in the train hard not to do. I know, there is a $100 fine if I'm caught and I would be charged with a misdemeanor but please please please let me get what I want! All I want is to jump a freight train. WHY is that sooo illegal? Shouldn't be. I know I risk getting a limb chopped off but think of the great stories for my grandchildren? Surely you would not want to deny me the future family bonding time. Considering I ever have a family and etc etc etc. And if I want to chop off a leg so be it! It's my right as an American! Zing!
People! Send me a message if you want to hop a train with me!
I hope we can hop onto the train of hope.
But not with salmonella.

myousik

One of my favorite composers is Yann Tiersen, and this is a beautiful piano song from him:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etLa1xipu0g

Being sad is sad. But it's also really awesome. I would describe myself as having a perspective that's perhaps lower than the average person. Or maybe that's just how we all are, I don't know because I've never been outside of my own experience. My point is this song is sad but it's really beautiful. I love listening to it and just feeling. I had my ACT/mindfulness class today and we discussed our relationship with our thoughts and how getting over depressed feelings is not about trying to control them. Its about being open to them. Being aware of how we feel, and just noticing. Like you would notice a cloud pass through the sky. Instead of trying to shut off and become numb, experience. Of course there's a lot more to it than that, but I believe in the strength that is allowing myself to feel.

hup. hup. hup.

I am fascinated with people who know how to write. I thoroughly enjoy reading a good blog with wonderful verbage. Verbage isn't a word but you know what I mean. But it does make me think of lettuce and salads and I loooove those. So nevermind that. I have decided to start blogging because I have a lot of things bunched up in the wrinkles of my brain and they won't come out. So I'll force them out! I suppose I could journal, but I'm too lazy with the pen :/ and this is faster anyhow and still anonymous because I won't be promoting it anywhere.
I'm pretty excited about this. I'm excited to get my expression out in word form because I haven't in any other form much lately, and I desperately need to.
SO! Dearest internet, heretofore hence forth foward march on getting those wrinkles all straightened out in my brain, I would greatly appreciate it.

Another family

There was another family that came into the shelter today and hit a little closer to home for me. I am hispanic and relate to hispanics, but I guess I consider myself to be more of european descent. That is just how I have grown up thinking. So a family walked in today, the mother looking young and distressed. There are four kids, with the oldest boy looking about 12 or 13, and the youngest girl being about 2. The mother is also about 7 months pregnant. It really just broke my heart to see them in the shelter. I took them to the cafeteria to get lunch as the mom explained to me how she had taken them all out of school before lunch, and as I reassured her that it was OK, that's why we have a cafeteria. As I looked at the older children, I could tell that they were very aware of the situation their mother was in. The oldest boy seemed quiet and seemed to have a raincloud over his countenance. He probably knows that it is best and safest for the family to be here, but how difficult would it be for your family all of the sudden to move into a shelter? And on top of that, for you to move in because your dad is abusing your mom? Even if you know it's wrong, you still love your dad. So, I served them lunch and tried to be as kind to the family as I possibly could, to make them feel more comfortable. I tried to look into the eyes of the children and laugh with them, hoping that some of the strength of my spirit might be passed on to them. I haven't worked in the crisis shelter for a little while, so I guess I am not used to seeing this all the time anymore. I work with families who have been in the shelter for at least 30 days and are more settled into their new life. The need to follow the family around and protect them from anything and everything that may come their way is not so strong there. I really just wanted to follow each child in order to encourage and support them. These are some terrible years to have as your first, and they will teach them many things those children should not be learning. I want to undo all of those things. I want to fill those childrens' lives with love and security. But all I can do is cry a little bit and share as much love and laughter with them that I can.

Job

I had a few job interview this week down south, and it was a lot of fun. I interviewed at a place that has in-patient care for people with eating disorders. I am so excited about it!! But I also had some good experiences at my current job yesterday. I took some spanish crisis calls yesterday and was able to help one of the women who called. She called twice. The first time she called I began asking her questions and she wouldn't answer. I asked her if she was in a safe place so that she could tell me about the situation she was in and she said no. She told me she would call later, after I offered to call the police for her. When she called later she spoke to me about her life and how her partner was treating her, that he would tell her she wasn't worth even one peso, that she was a slut, that he wouldn't allow her to look up at anyone when she walks out in public yet he brings other women home, that he hits her and calls her lots of bad names I won't repeat, that he yells at her everyday and tells her how ugly and worthless she is. She was crying, and she asked if that was normal. I had the privilege to tell her that it was not. I told her that she has the right to be respected and that her boyfriend should treat her as if she was his closest friend, and that she was important and worth much much more than that. She was still undecided whether she wanted to leave or not, but I was able to give her information to help her out and I was able to reassure her that she did not need to be afraid to leave, that people here would help her and would support her, etc. She calmed down a lot after that and thanked me many times. I LOVE THIS. This isn't a rare type of phone call, we receive calls like this every day, but I LOVE helping these women realize their worth and how beautiful and important they are. I really love working with people who are at hard points in their life, and helping them realize that it will be OK and that someone really cares about them and will do everything to help them get through. I love giving these women encouragement and building them up. There is nothing better, in my opinion. It makes me cry to think of maybe leaving, because I am just so grateful for the opportunity to help these people who need it. But I am also excited to have the opportunity to help women with eating disorders (if I get the position--part-time). The literature says that most women with eating disorders also have depression and anxiety, and thats what I work with at the shelter, too.  I love being able to look into someone's eyes and give them strength, or even cry with them, and it sounds like I would be able to do this even at the eating disorder place. And so, life will go on.